Most Americans, at some point in their lives, have walked into a Victoria’s Secret lingerie store and felt completely overwhelmed. For American women, this feeling was probably due to intense jealousy/scorn towards the posters of lingerie models - emblematic of our country’s obsession with an “unhealthy” female form. For American men, their overwhelmed feeling was probably due to a gigantic boner. Either way, Victoria’s Secret has been waving sexuality in the faces of Americans for many years without ever once coming clean about Victoria’s actual secret. Not only is this concealment frustrating from a sheer curiosity perspective (ie. Why is Victoria able to consistently give me a boner? What is her secret?), but it directly contradicts America’s supposed value for corporate responsibility.
In a period in which both American businesses and government officials are constantly getting caught for stealing money and other illicit activities, who, if not our country’s leading lingerie retailer, should be standing up for what’s right? For the sake of America, and in order to put honesty back onto America’s short list of sacred values, Victoria must once and for all reveal her dirty little secret: she has crabs.
Granted, Americans would certainly be alarmed if Victoria were to suddenly publicize her STD. At first, many women would probably find themselves seeking out another lingerie retailer, and perhaps burning their old lingerie for fear of crabs infestation. Additionally, many men would probably cancel their Victoria’s Secret catalogue subscriptions and might even encounter difficulty masturbating to some of the older issues. However, by coming clean with the American public, Victoria would not only bring American business to a new level of honesty, but she would inspire slutty women nationwide to confess their STDs and save future partners from months, if not years, of redness and itching.
Although I cannot say with absolute certainty how long ago Victoria contracted her crabs, it is clear that they have never been treated and that they are still thriving to this day. I did not discover this secret because I am her gynecologist or even a cursory expert on the vagina: I simply have common sense. I mean, Americans have seen Victoria’s lingerie for the past twenty years or so. How come we’ve never seen her naked?
Maybe the revelation of Victoria’s secret won’t change much in America. Maybe businesses and politicians will continue insider trading, money laundering, and paying for sex with girls who made fun of them throughout their entire lives. But maybe, just maybe, one American will become more honest, and then others will follow. And if that happens, I will not only be glad that Victoria revealed her secret: I will be glad I gave her the crabs in the first place.
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